Fourty Truths
by sofeyrose
Summary: Fourty truths about Yagura and Naruto and their relationship. None-canon, Yagura/female Naruto, oneshot.


1. If you want to be Bijudama-d into the next dynasty, please by all means smack Naruto's ass. Both halves of the duo would be happy to Biju-dama you.

2. Do_ not _break/lose Yagura's staff. He'll be pissed off enough to give Anko the shivers.

3. Do _not _hit on Yagura in Naruto's presence. In fact, don't hit on him period. She gets really jealous, and a jealous Naruto+girl hitting on Yagura=mass-scale cat-fight.

4. Yagura is very possesive of Naruto. The last guy to hit on her was promptly whacked on the head with Yagura's staff and given the brutalest, harshest smack-down in years.

5. Calling either a midget or any other variation is subsequent to signing your own death warrant.

6. If you hear any moaning, purring or giggling from Yagura's office, you must _immediately _evacuate the premises. We cannot lose another ninja to Naruto's embarrassed outrage because they interrupted her and Yagura's make-out session and happened to see Naruto without a shirt and Yagura's own half-way open.

7. If a Jinchuriki has enough alcohol (much more than the average person), they can get drunk, like that one time Anko made Naruto go to a bar with her and got the blonde drunk off her ass.

8. Yagura formally requested he have a word with Anko the next day (preferably a painful word).

9. Only Yagura is allowed to grope Naruto, even if she's in her Sexy No Jutsu form. It comes with the relationship.

10. Jiraiya can't use Yagura and Naruto as main characters for his next book, or as research material. Even if it's tempting to do with how frisky they get sometimes.

11. Don't peek on Naruto when she's bathing in the Onsen. Women have this sixth sense to know when someone's peeking on them. You're just inviting a Kyuubi-fied Naruto to come down on your head clad in only a bathrobe.

12. Kurama may not like his Jinchuriki much, but even he knows that pissing off a woman is not something you should do without an _extremely _good reason, and it better be damn good. Uchiha Sasuke learned that the hard way when he insulted Yagura, _and _attempted to capture him. Sasuke was promptly beaten within an inch of his life.

13. Naruto is Yagura's and vice versa. Sorry Hinata, but Naruto isn't a lesbian.

14. Ninjas are meant to be unassuming. So when next time you question Naruto on her orange kimono or Yagura on his interesting style of clothing, think before you speak, okay Kiba?

14. Likewise, Kakashi is now wary (_not _scared, definitely) of the fact that Naruto has helped Yagura to perfect the One Thousand Years of Pain.

15. If you hear a guy screaming like a little girl and a deathly roar following afterwards, it's because someone tried truth 1. Some people really have no self-preservation.

16. Yagura is not a "_gentlemanly_, psychopathic stalker who thinks women are so fragile and breakable and that he is a souless-monster" like Edward Cullen. He does not care if you are a woman or a man, attempting to appeal to him to let you go because _you're a woman and oh, he wouldn't hit a lady, would he_ will just make Yagura annoyed with you and Naruto pissed off and attempt to unleash her outrage on you in true pissed of Uzumaki-woman style.

17. For the last time, Yagura isn't a pedophile! He's twenty-two and Naruto is sixteen;they're only six or so years apart. Some ninja don't even live to Yagura's age;their profession is dangerous by nature. Let them have their happiness and love together while it lasts.

18. Tsunade was _not _happy to learn her darling granddaughter-figure/little sister-figure is dating Kirigakure's ex-Yondaime Mizukage, the man who renewed their status as the _Bloody Mist_. If you think she wasn't happy then, then imagine how she felt when the duo told her they're engaged!

19. A shit ton of trees and animals from the Forest of Death were chopped and slashed and punched into tiny itty bitty pieces that day. The only thing Naruto had to say to that was "Poor Bambi!".

20. Tsunade had a _talk _with Jiraiya the next day about Naruto and who is good dating material and who isn't. You can just imagine how that went down.

21. Yagura is not allowed to cheat on Naruto in any way, shape or form, to do so is fatal (even though everyone knows he would never do that;Naruto has him wrapped around her pinkie finger).

22. They don't have a constant dominant and submissive in the relationship. They flip a coin (figuratively) every few days depending on their mood. However, if you _really _want to know, you could ignore truth 6. Don't say I didn't warn you.

23. Yagura is not allowed to name their children in the foreseeable future. He may be a powerful warrior, but he sucks at giving children names (Shiro, seriously Yagura? Whatever possessed you to name that one orphan who wanted a name such a thing?). On second thought, Jiraiya isn't allowed to either, him being Naruto's godfather be damned. She gets enough teasing for her name meaning "fishcake" as it is;she won't have her kids be subjected to the same teasing.

23a. Naruto wants you to know "It means malestrom for Kami's sake! You hear that?! Malestrom!". Someone's sensitive.

24. Yagura must always buy extra protection (it's too soon damn it!).

25. That, and Tsunade, Jiraiya, Kakashi, Iruka, the Ichirakus, the Rookie Nine and the rest of Naruto's friends from Konoha and different lands threatened to castrate him if he didn't and got Naruto pregnant before they married. And trust me, you really don't wanna get Juken-ed or Sand-Buried, and that pan Ayame always carries around is terrifying enough to make Yagura agree.

26. Yagura can usually stay in control of his sexual urges. Too bad he has a thing for dripping wet, cute whiskered blondes with only a towel on for some semblance of modesty. Luckily, Naruto is smart enough to take a contraceptive before they engage in their activites.

27. When they first started dating, Naruto had no idea what to do. She knew the basics, but she was a clueless, dense little Jinchuriki then. Yagura had to take the initiative more than half the time back then,_ and _ward off the others interested in Naruto who got too touchy-feely with her. The poor blonde had no idea she was being molested.

27a. Jiraiya quite enthusiastically helped Yagura. These days, most people know to hit on Naruto is to face an overprotective Papa Bear Jiraiya and a homicidal ex-Mizukage. Oh, and let's not forget about Mama Bear Tsunade! (Though if Kushina was alive, there would be no doubt she'd be twice as terrifying's.).

28. If Yagura is in Bijuu-mode, Naruto is never far behind.

29. To insult ramen of any kind is to commit sin in Naruto's mind. As far as she's concerned it's the food of the gods, and she doesn't give a damn if eating ramen on most days is unhealthy. Konoha blames her ramen addiction on Kushina. It's not like they can do anything to a dead woman, though. "Even in death, Kushina's still making life hell through her daughter", Tsunade had once said, and isn't that the truth?

29a. Sasuke learned that lesson the hard way, as did Ai, the guy who stole the Nidaime Hokage's Raijin. Seriously, it's like people have nothing better to do than piss off a female Uzumaki who contains the greatest of the nine Bijuu and monologue on how she's a loser or she'll never amount to anything or some shit like that. Clearly, they have never met a furious Kushina.

30. There is a very good reason why Kakashi has been early to team meetings these days.

30a. Yagura is punctual and despises tardiness with a passion. Why do you think Jiraiya was shrieking and running around Konoha dripping in boiling hot water and ice-cold water with a seething Yagura hot on his heels that one time?

31. Tsunade has now passed a law stating that Naruto and Yagura cannot have sex in the following places:

31a. In the Hokage's office on the desk (they better not have!).

31b. Any training field. They're for training and sparring, not getting it up!

31c. In the unisex bath in the Onsen.

31d. The dojo where Rock Lee and his sensei Gai train at, even if both of them are gullible enough to fall for the "training" reason.

31e. The Uchiha compound. Naruto, we get that you aren't too happy that Sasuke decided to be an ass and leave for Orochimaru, and Yagura, we understand you were completely pissed that some Uchiha controlled you with his Sharingan for the majority of your reign as Mizukage, but that's no reason to decide to get some twisted sort of revenge on them by having sex in their clan compound. Besides, revenge is the Uchiha clan's forte, and Naruto, you just aren't that kind of person...right?

31f. Mount Myoboku. It doesn't matter if Pa and Ma says it's okay or that Gamakichi is really interested in learning how humans copulate, or that Gamatatsu is just as curious as his brother. No, we don't care that Jiraiya is completely fine with it-_GET BACK HERE YOU TWO! WE HAVEN'T FINISHED YET!_

31g. The Hokage Monument. More specifically, on the Yondaime Hokage's dead. Naruto, we seriously doubt your father would like to see you in the midst of passion...even if it is just a stone head, it is your father's head-wait, is this some sort of twisted revenge on Minato for sealing Kyuubi inside you like you and Yagura had sex at the Uchiha compound to get revenge on Sasuke and Tobi? Hey-_ANSWER ME!_

31h. Yagura, when someone is in the hospital for stupidly using Kage Bunshin on a ridiculously massive scale and falling unconscious because that person made the stupid decision to dispel all of them at the same time, you do not rage on Kakashi for his unique training methods, or use the One Thousand Years of Pain on him. You do not have relieved-sex in the hospital either when Naruto has just woken up, even if she doesn't mind. Do you know how many Hyuga you've scarred for life because they had their Byakugan activated and saw your little scene?! Hinata actually saw the whole thing with her Byakugan and fell unconscious from a massive nosebleed! You're lucky Tsunade didn't ban you from the hospital-_PERMANENTLY! _You better be grateful she only passed a law stating you can't have sex there!

32. Despite the above, there are ways to stop the duo from having sex, like Kurama or Isobu speaking to them when they're about to make-out or something. It really kills the mood;it's like your parents walking in on you kissing you boyfriend/girlfriend. Though if Naruto and Yagura are in too deep they'll just tell their Bijuu to shut up.

33. Should they have a daughter in the foreseeable future they shall name her Kushina for the sole reason that Naruto wants to honor her deceased mother and keep her memory alive. Jiraiya shall not be godfather-he's already got Naruto, and even though he's good with kids he's irresponsible as hell. With any back luck, any son or daughter of their will be a mini-Jiraiya if the man gets his hands on them. Tha would not be a plesant sight.

33a. Instead, Gaara will be godfather. He's sensible, responsible, mature and none-perverted, as well as Kazekage-an all around role model, as well as good friend to the duo, almost like a brother. Apart from when he was a homicidal manaic-his future godchildren will never find out about his bloody past if Yagura and Naruto can help it. They don't need them emulating pre Oto-Suna-Invasion Gaara before Naruto used Talk No Jutsu on him.

34. Jiraiya is not allowed to give any children of Yagura and Naruto's in the foreseeable future a book of Icha Icha for the sole reason that they will kill him if they tries.

35. Naruto thinks guy on guy is hot. Yagura vehemently disagrees. He still doesn't know to this day how he ended up kissing Gaara. Personally, he blames Naruto's Puppy Eyes No Jutsu. Such cuteness should be illegal and wholly impossible.

36. Drunk Yagura+drunk Naruto+Akatsuki= The Akatsuki guys screaming like little girls and dashing away from a super-powered Bijuudama (really, Konan's the only sensible one).

37. Yagura has few fears. One of them is an enraged Uzumaki female on her period.

38. Naruto vowed to follow her mother's advise, _except _the part about finding a nice boy like her father. She loves Yagura just the way he is, thank you very much.

38a. Besides, dating a boy who acts like her father, and maybe even looks like him as well would just be creepy. Like, Edward Cullen creepy. And Naruto doesn't like creepy people...

39. If you want to scare the hell out of Naruto, stealthily sneak up behind her, ( very steathily, because Naruto is as close to a master of stealth as one can be. How do you think she pulled off all those pranks?), put your mouth to her ear and yell "Ghost!". It's guaranteed to make her scream and run away. Just don't be surprised to be hanging upside down with a badly-drawn mustache on your face the next day.

40. The first time Yagura met Naruto, his only impression was that some village must be missing its idiot. The first time Naruto met Yagura, her only impression was that he was an even bigger asshole than Sasuke. Love truly knows no bounds.


End file.
